“When I was 11, I had a girlfriend. But of course we never kissed or did anything physical. It helped prepare me for married life.” - Brian Kiley
“I was the only Asian in my high school that failed math. When I failed, the eight kids sitting around me failed too.” -Dat Phan
Two blondes are driving a truck when they come to an overpass. The height limit on the overpass says 8 feet. They measure the height of their truck at 8 feet 6 inches. So they think for a second, and one of them says, “I don’t see any cops around. Let’s go for it!”
A man is driving when he sees a nun hitch-hiking and gives her a lift in his car. A few miles later he sees a lawyer walking by the side of the road. Out of force of habit, he veers to the side of the road hoping to hit the lawyer with his car. But at the last minute, he remembers that he has a nun in the car with him, so he swerves to avoid hitting the lawyer. Feeling guilty and awkward, he eventually says to the nun sitting beside him, “I’m sorry I almost hit that lawyer.” “That’s OK,” says the nun, “I got him with the door!”
A farmer is out in his woods filling a bucket with fruit, when he hears some women skinny-dipping in a pond on his property. He goes to have a look, but they see him coming and submerge themselves completely in the water. “Go away, you dirty old man,” said one of them, “we’re not coming out until you leave!” “Oh, that’s all right,” said the farmer, holding up the bucket. “I’m just here to feed the alligators.”
And Finally, “If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody’s there to hear it, I hope it lands on a philosophy professor.” -Stephen Colbert
