Joey O's Tumblr

SUBJECT: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

DEAR AMERICAN:

I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON

“When I was 11, I had a girlfriend. But of course we never kissed or did anything physical. It helped prepare me for married life.” - Brian Kiley

“I was the only Asian in my high school that failed math. When I failed, the eight kids sitting around me failed too.” -Dat Phan

Two blondes are driving a truck when they come to an overpass. The height limit on the overpass says 8 feet. They measure the height of their truck at 8 feet 6 inches. So they think for a second, and one of them says, “I don’t see any cops around. Let’s go for it!”

A man is driving when he sees a nun hitch-hiking and gives her a lift in his car. A few miles later he sees a lawyer walking by the side of the road. Out of force of habit, he veers to the side of the road hoping to hit the lawyer with his car. But at the last minute, he remembers that he has a nun in the car with him, so he swerves to avoid hitting the lawyer. Feeling guilty and awkward, he eventually says to the nun sitting beside him, “I’m sorry I almost hit that lawyer.” “That’s OK,” says the nun, “I got him with the door!”

A farmer is out in his woods filling a bucket with fruit, when he hears some women skinny-dipping in a pond on his property. He goes to have a look, but they see him coming and submerge themselves completely in the water. “Go away, you dirty old man,” said one of them, “we’re not coming out until you leave!” “Oh, that’s all right,” said the farmer, holding up the bucket. “I’m just here to feed the alligators.”

And Finally, “If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody’s there to hear it, I hope it lands on a philosophy professor.” -Stephen Colbert